One of My Best Girlfriends Alternates Being Hot and Cold With Me

Dr. Robert Wallace
Thu, 02 Apr 2026 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

DR. WALLACE: I have one girlfriend in particular who runs hot and cold with me. We girls sometimes have the best outings together — we laugh and truly enjoy our camaraderie. But there are other times when she is brutally quarrelsome with me or simply can't wait to tell me just how irritated she is with me for something I said or did previously.

I find this whole situation quite unnerving and uncomfortable. Gradually I'm starting to not trust the good times and to cringe and feel self-conscious when I suspect she may be about to go off on me.

What should I do about this? I truly like the good times we share together, but I'm pretty sure I can't deal with the downside much longer the way things are going. — She Runs Very Hot, Then Icy Cold, via email
Updated: Fri Apr 03, 2026

DR. WALLACE: I have one girlfriend in particular who runs hot and cold with me. We girls sometimes have the best outings together — we laugh and truly enjoy our camaraderie. But there are other times when she is brutally quarrelsome with me or simply can't wait to tell me just how irritated she is with me for something I said or did previously.

I find this whole situation quite unnerving and uncomfortable. Gradually I'm starting to not trust the good times and to cringe and feel self-conscious when I suspect she may be about to go off on me.

What should I do about this? I truly like the good times we share together, but I'm pretty sure I can't deal with the downside much longer the way things are going. — She Runs Very Hot, Then Icy Cold, via email

SHE RUNS VERY HOT, THEN ICY COLD: The good times obviously take care of themselves, so let's focus exclusively here on the difficult times. Does she have a point with the underlying thesis as to why she gets upset with you? Are there things that you did or said outside of her earshot that maybe upset her? Think carefully first to see if you have any liability here.

If so, you need to truly focus on avoiding leaving unsavory breadcrumbs that could come back to roost against you. However, if you are not doing or saying anything that provides any underlying cause for a reason for her to go off on you, then you definitely have a big problem.

If the second scenario is true, you need to sit down with her during one of your good times and let her know that you highly value her friendship but are quite distressed when she has her negative moods. Ask her if you can help her in any way, or if there's anything you could do to help her stay more level, if that's her goal. Feel free to ask her bluntly why there are times she feels the need to tear into you verbally.

This will give her a chance to snap at you if that's her underlying "hair trigger," or she may look back at you, apologize and explain what may be going on with her in her mind. Friends should be able to talk to friends about almost anything, and certainly in great depth. The two of you have some spectacular, wonderful times together, but they are being devalued by negative times that derive from an unknown origin. Do your best to get to the bottom of things, and be prepared to go with her to find the help she needs, if that turns out to be the case.

I SOMETIMES SUCCEED SPECTACULARLY BUT SOMETIMES UPSET THEM

DR. WALLACE: I tend to get really involved in the lives of my close friends. I love them so much, it's simply that I just want to help them and to give them every possible suggestion or imaginative idea I can to help them through various situations or challenges in their lives.

Nothing is greater or better than when I step in and proactively help with one of my suggested remedies of a situation that one of my friends was dealing with. Not only seeing a friend happy but having that friend profusely thank me for stepping up and helping simply makes my heart glow.

But the downside is, there are times I will perhaps overreach, and more than once I've had a couple different friends snap at me by saying, "Just go away and leave me alone." The first time this happened, I was quite devastated and almost couldn't sleep. I paced around my room that night, wondering if I had done irreparable damage.

Gradually, things calmed down in those instances, but I have learned to be a little more cautious when I'm not getting signs that my suggestions are welcome. Do you think I should continue trying to help my friends, which is my normal default setting? Or should I make a mental note to do my utmost to stay out of the personal lives of all my close friends unless they come to me first and specifically ask me for help? — Only Some Ended Spectacularly, via email

ONLY SOME ENDED SPECTACULARLY: Given your personality, you're likely to always want to make a comment or two once you realize something is not going well for one of your close friends in some area of life.

But instead of immediately pushing forward with a lot of suggestions and comments, why not ask first if you can present a few suggestions if they might be appropriate? For those of your friends with whom things turned out spectacularly well, making a habit of asking them first will likely bring you the positive reply you are looking for, but it will also start building your muscle memory of asking first in all situations, no matter how close you are or are not to the person.

Doing this, especially for those you don't know as well, will show them in advance that you respect privacy and personal space. This will give other friends — and those you don't know quite as well — an opportunity to sidestep taking any advice from you, and you'll be able to save your breath and not feel like you're pressing on anyone too hard. I feel it's possible given your skill set that you can still experience some heartwarming, great outcomes in the future, while also sidestepping anyone snapping at you or telling you to simply leave them alone.

Work on this carefully, practice what you're going to say in advance, and if you do get told not to make any suggestions, simply give that person a hug and let them know you'll always be there to help them in any way you can. Sometimes that's more than enough.