Lonely Mom and Dealing With Miscarriage

Catherine Pearlman
Fri, 30 Mar 2018 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Family Coach: I have two kids. When my oldest was born, I had lots of friends to meet for play dates. Those friends provided me with a lot of social and emotional support. I never realized how much until I had my second son. My youngest has a severe form of autism. He is difficult to be around, and thus, I have pretty much lost all of my friends. I am lonely and exhausted, and I feel abandoned. How can I help my friends see how much I need their friendship? — Alone

Dear Alone: It can feel exceptionally lonely to be the parent of a child with special needs. I am sorry your friends didn't rise to the occasion.
Updated: Sat Mar 31, 2018

Dear Family Coach: I have two kids. When my oldest was born, I had lots of friends to meet for play dates. Those friends provided me with a lot of social and emotional support. I never realized how much until I had my second son. My youngest has a severe form of autism. He is difficult to be around, and thus, I have pretty much lost all of my friends. I am lonely and exhausted, and I feel abandoned. How can I help my friends see how much I need their friendship? — Alone

Dear Alone: It can feel exceptionally lonely to be the parent of a child with special needs. I am sorry your friends didn't rise to the occasion.

Sometimes people have trouble knowing how to help, or even that help is needed. It may be difficult, but try asking a few close friends directly for what you need. Don't be accusatory, because that will just shut them down. Instead, express some of your struggles, and tell them one way they could help support you. If you don't get much of a response, it's time to look for some new friends.

There are lots of other parents who could relate to some of your struggles. Try to find a community of families like yours near you, or even online. Ask local nonprofits, therapists, teachers or doctors whether they know of parent networks. Even if those parents can't offer tangible help to ease your burden, their true empathy and friendship will make you feel less alone. If you can't find an existing group to join, create your own. Pick a date and a child-friendly location. Post a few signs in local coffee shops and supermarkets for your play group that specify the group is for children with autism, or whatever special needs you decide. Give it time, and don't give up. There is someone else out there who could use a friend.

Dear Family Coach: I recently had a miscarriage. We excitedly told our 3-year-old daughter about the baby. Now we don't know how to handle it. We were thinking of just pretending like we said nothing and letting her forget about the baby. Is that the right way to go? — So Sad

Dear So Sad: Do whatever feels right to you. There isn't a right or wrong way here. But since you asked, I'll give you my two cents.

You lost a baby, one that you were excited to have. At the moment of conception, many people start fantasizing about their baby. Who will he or she become? Will the little tyke enjoy sports or art or reading? It goes on and on. It's incredible how much dreaming and planning can happen in just a few weeks or months. That makes the miscarriage all the more painful. It is hard enough to deal with these feelings as an adult. Imagine how confusing it might be for your daughter, who might have also been excited for a new baby in the house.

Death is a part of life, and children shouldn't be shielded from it. The more openly parents can talk about loss with their kids, the less fear the child will have around death in the future. Also, children sometimes think unexplained changes or disappointments are their fault. So, if you can, it would be best to simply tell your daughter the truth. Answer her questions simply but honestly, and follow her lead. She may want to mention the baby a lot or never again. Either way, she can be part of the grieving process.