Potty-Training Resistance and a Nickname

Catherine Pearlman
Fri, 16 Mar 2018 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We've tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? — Daddy

Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it's a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.
Updated: Sat Mar 17, 2018

Dear Family Coach: My nearly 4-year-old daughter is not potty trained. At preschool she is prompted to use to toilet every hour or so, and she successfully tinkles. But at home she refuses to tell us when she needs to go and has a tantrum when we suggest she sit on the potty. She has never pooped on the potty at school or at home. She just goes in her pullup. We've tried everything. Should we continue to push her or just put her in underwear and hope for the best? — Daddy

Dear Daddy: Pump the breaks. Potty training comes easily to some, looking almost as if the kid trained herself. But for others it's a struggle. The worst path parents can take with a resistant trainer is to push and prod. Little kids control almost nothing in their lives. Where they pee and poop is in their control. When children see how desperately important the toilet seems to their parents, they often decide to resist just because they can.

Additionally, some children can become afraid of the toilet, especially for pooping. The more a parent pushes, the more resistant a child becomes. Much bigger problems can arise from withholding when one has to go. Since your daughter has never pooped on the potty and is resistant, I'm concerned that she may also be constipated. When this happens, using the toilet might also be painful, which contributes to the fear.

To begin with, let her lead the way. If she doesn't want to go, leave it alone. Set up a reward system for using the toilet. If she sits on the potty (even with her clothes on), she earns one star. Give two stars for peeing and three for pooping. Then, figure out something enticing for which your daughter can trade her stars. You might suggest she sit on the potty right after breakfast and before bed to facilitate success. If she wants to give it a try, great. If she doesn't, bite your tongue and say nothing.

Also, check with her doctor to ensure she isn't constipated or withholding. She may need a stool softener to help her become more comfortable. The bottom line to remember is you can't force this. Give your daughter space to decide when she is ready, and set her up for success.

Dear Family Coach: My son is named Joseph Frederick, after my father and my husband's father. I love the name, and it's very meaningful to us. Yet my son insists everyone call him Joey — a name I absolutely hate, and one my father would never have used. I've told him this upsets me, but he won't even respond if I try to use Joseph. What can I do to convince him to use his given name? — Sentimental

Dear Sentimental: Your son is not your father; he isn't your father-in-law either. It's important to state that because it seems you've forgotten your son is a separate individual. While he is the namesake for these lovely people, he is not them. He's a boy who is begging you to recognize his individuality. Insisting on calling him by his given name won't make him love that name. It will only make him feel as if you don't care about his feelings.

Tell your son about what his name means to you. Then, let him know that you will call him whatever he likes. It's a special name, and you should still enjoy it, even if you can't say it aloud.