Stealing Bad

Jessica Burtch
Thu, 10 Oct 2013 00:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

I'm in my mid-teens, and my parents make good money. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and while we aren't living large or anything, I have a pretty sweet setup. I get an allowance, and my parents are chill about clothes and extras. I'm not allowed to have a job during the school year because I'm supposed to focus on grades and getting into college, and I sometimes play that card to work them for more cash.

Here's the thing. Even though I know they'll give it to me if I ask, I take money from them — out of their wallets or straight from the utility drawer where Mom stashes "petty" cash. I also steal things from stores — otc meds from drugstores, pregnancy tests, panties from Nordstrom for my girlfriend, MP3 players, phones. I even stole a laptop once. Most of the time, I sell this stuff cheap or give it away.

Am I a klepto, or is this normal? I mean, is this pretty common for someone my age? When I know I can get away with it, it's hard to pass it up. I get a rush, and most of the time it's stuff for other people. No one gets hurt. — Teen Klepto
Updated: Thu Oct 10, 2013

I'm in my mid-teens, and my parents make good money. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and while we aren't living large or anything, I have a pretty sweet setup. I get an allowance, and my parents are chill about clothes and extras. I'm not allowed to have a job during the school year because I'm supposed to focus on grades and getting into college, and I sometimes play that card to work them for more cash.

Here's the thing. Even though I know they'll give it to me if I ask, I take money from them — out of their wallets or straight from the utility drawer where Mom stashes "petty" cash. I also steal things from stores — otc meds from drugstores, pregnancy tests, panties from Nordstrom for my girlfriend, MP3 players, phones. I even stole a laptop once. Most of the time, I sell this stuff cheap or give it away.

Am I a klepto, or is this normal? I mean, is this pretty common for someone my age? When I know I can get away with it, it's hard to pass it up. I get a rush, and most of the time it's stuff for other people. No one gets hurt. — Teen Klepto

Pimples, parties and pot are pretty normal. Your scene sounds like a fledgling criminal operation. You aren't yet a large-scale enterprise, and you haven't touched the depravity of chemistry teacher turned meth kingpin Walter White — but then again, you're young.

Are you a klepto? That's a diagnosis for a shrink to make. Tell your parents you're depressed and want to talk to a psychiatrist. By all accounts, they'll be happy to give you the money, assuming you've left them some, and the fact that stealing gives you a high suggests there might even be some truth behind the ruse. However you do it, get thee to a shrink.

I can tell you this much, Klep: You're breaking bad.

You're making bad choices and attempting to justify them by distancing yourself from the rewards. You aren't stealing for the benefit of your friends; you're doing it because it feels good — at least in the moment. You're no Heisenberg, but you're no Robin Hood, either. And I find it hugely improbable that you have no idea who I'm talking about, but Google to the rescue should that be the case.

No one gets hurt? Well, there's the pain to the pocketbooks of paying customers when retailers add loss prevention costs to their markups. But that doesn't concern you, does it? How about the nerve-tripping pain of wondering whether Jake the Snake in the holding cell with you is going to be content to keep staring or want to come closer? The pain of knowing some other dude is with your girlfriend in her stolen underwear while you're locked up with a bunch of iffy characters who also rolled the dice and lost?

Your choices will catch up with you, Klep, one way or another. The problem with getting comfortable with bad choices is that they then get worse. Hubris kicks in, and even genius falls. In the "Breaking Bad" series finale, Heisenberg is fading, and Walt is at last honest: "I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. I was alive." And then he wasn't.

Follow Jessica on Twitter @sicaleigh, and ask her just about anything at askquestionable@gmail.com. To find out more about Jessica Leigh and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers, visit creators.com.