A Few Remedial Crime Tips

Barry Maher
Mon, 23 Mar 2026 18:56:15 -0700
Opinion

Cape Coral, Fla. Two criminal masterminds broke into an empty arcade. In the lady's room, they tediously cut through two levels of drywall and the wood framing between them. Then they crawled through the hole into the jeweler's next door. There, they ultimately pistol-whipped the manager, forced him to open the safe, then tied him up and split with the loot. Thus, leaving an eyewitness and lovely full-color photos of themselves, their driver and the getaway vehicle.

One reporter wrote, "Cameras captured them arriving at 3 a.m. They stayed for about 7 hours, leaving at 7 a.m. Perhaps confused by that time frame, when the police arrived, they immediately rousted the patrons at a nearby manicure salon. Presumedly, the cops figured that after digging through the wall all night, the culprits' nails would be a mess.

While this is not exactly a shining example of Florida police work or math skills, what is even clearer here is the sad and deteriorating state of Florida criminal activity. Sure, these geniuses were savvy enough to cut through the wall and avoid setting off the alarms in the doors and the windows. But you dig through a wall or drop from the ceiling to get inside a place where you can grab the goodies and go. That method doesn't work if once you gain access, your prize is inside a safe that you can't open. And you're left standing around for four — or maybe seven — hours, while security cameras record your getaway car parked outside the jewelry store in a closed mall. Police call this a lead. Allowing them — right after they've rousted the nearby nail salon — to run the license plate and pick up your idiot getaway driver who used his own car.
Updated: Mon Mar 23, 2026

Cape Coral, Fla. Two criminal masterminds broke into an empty arcade. In the lady's room, they tediously cut through two levels of drywall and the wood framing between them. Then they crawled through the hole into the jeweler's next door. There, they ultimately pistol-whipped the manager, forced him to open the safe, then tied him up and split with the loot. Thus, leaving an eyewitness and lovely full-color photos of themselves, their driver and the getaway vehicle.

One reporter wrote, "Cameras captured them arriving at 3 a.m. They stayed for about 7 hours, leaving at 7 a.m. Perhaps confused by that time frame, when the police arrived, they immediately rousted the patrons at a nearby manicure salon. Presumedly, the cops figured that after digging through the wall all night, the culprits' nails would be a mess.

While this is not exactly a shining example of Florida police work or math skills, what is even clearer here is the sad and deteriorating state of Florida criminal activity. Sure, these geniuses were savvy enough to cut through the wall and avoid setting off the alarms in the doors and the windows. But you dig through a wall or drop from the ceiling to get inside a place where you can grab the goodies and go. That method doesn't work if once you gain access, your prize is inside a safe that you can't open. And you're left standing around for four — or maybe seven — hours, while security cameras record your getaway car parked outside the jewelry store in a closed mall. Police call this a lead. Allowing them — right after they've rousted the nearby nail salon — to run the license plate and pick up your idiot getaway driver who used his own car.

If, on the other hand, because of the aforementioned safe, you're going to have to pistol-whip or, in some, hopefully more humane manner, force the jewelry store proprietor to open the safe, here's a valuable time-saving tip. Don't spend all night cutting a hole in the wall. Just wait until the guy opens the store in the morning, and WALK in. Smile. Then pull your weapon out. You'll save the aforementioned four or seven hours of tedious labor, and you won't have to get up at 2:30 in the morning. I mean, wasn't sleeping late one of the main reasons you set out on a life of crime in the first place? Focus!

Also, do not pistol-whip anyone. It lacks savor fare. Neither David Niven nor George Clooney would ever do it, and it will probably add years to your sentence, even in Florida, where firearms are legally classified as cuddly. And let's face it, as dumb as you three clearly are, you're going to get caught.

So to recap, you cut through a wall to avoid coercing, pistol-whipping, tying up people or otherwise generating witnesses. If the situation requires any of that, don't waste your nights tunnelling through walls. And try to avoid parking a vehicle with license plates registered in your name in front of the scene of the crime. Remember, more George Clooney, less Three Stooges.

Now, if you're one of the idiots who did all that exactly wrong at Tio Jewelers in Cape Coral, Fla., turn yourselves in to the police immediately. The sooner you're sent to prison, the sooner you'll learn everything else you need to know about the proper way to commit a crime — and stop embarrassing yourselves and your state.

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon on Amazon. Sign up for his newsletter at www.barrymaher.com.