Mild, Multilevel Me

Barry Maher
Fri, 31 Oct 2025 15:38:26 -0700
Opinion

I have nothing against doctors. Some of them have saved my life. Some of them have damn near killed me. I won't say some of my best friends are doctors, but my sister is. I love her and I know she's an excellent physician. But that's not what I noticed when she first finished her medical training.

We were each driving to a family event in a strange city. I was stopped at the light, and she pulled into the turn lane on my left, waiting for the green arrow. About to drive off the wrong way. I beeped for her attention and pointed straight ahead. I saw an expression I'd never before seen on my sister's face. Imagine Zeus being corrected by a dung beetle. I couldn't hear her laugh, but it was obviously dismissive. Then she got her arrow and headed off to God knows where.

I'm not sure when they teach that in medical school. They have so much else to cover. They must do at least a couple of years of making everything sound like the esoteric knowledge of civilization's elect. Sorcerers, doctors and economists all do it as well. Doctors just do it best.
Updated: Fri Oct 31, 2025

I have nothing against doctors. Some of them have saved my life. Some of them have damn near killed me. I won't say some of my best friends are doctors, but my sister is. I love her and I know she's an excellent physician. But that's not what I noticed when she first finished her medical training.

We were each driving to a family event in a strange city. I was stopped at the light, and she pulled into the turn lane on my left, waiting for the green arrow. About to drive off the wrong way. I beeped for her attention and pointed straight ahead. I saw an expression I'd never before seen on my sister's face. Imagine Zeus being corrected by a dung beetle. I couldn't hear her laugh, but it was obviously dismissive. Then she got her arrow and headed off to God knows where.

I'm not sure when they teach that in medical school. They have so much else to cover. They must do at least a couple of years of making everything sound like the esoteric knowledge of civilization's elect. Sorcerers, doctors and economists all do it as well. Doctors just do it best.

Recently, I tripped and deftly broke my fall with my face. Worse, I was on blood thinners. Here's a handy tip. If you have to go to the emergency room, rather than wait forever like everybody else, just make sure your face is covered with dripping blood. Before the second drop hits the floor, they'll whisk you out of sight and onto a bed. Sooner or later, they might even start treatment. Bring a book.

That day, after finishing the treatment and the book, I was waiting in the hospital lobby for my wife to bring the car around. My phone was dead, so I actually read some of my discharge paperwork. Nobody reads the paperwork. That's why they give you so much of it. So you won't read it. Of course, much of it is just doctors speaking doctor to other doctors, or lawyers formulating incantations to frighten away lawsuits. Everybody's covering their posteriors. (I was going to use the technical, Latin term for posterior to show I too can haul out pretentious language. Unfortunately, it turns out the Latin for posterior is "posterior.")

Anyway, reading the paperwork, I discovered my X-rays revealed I was suffering from Mild Multilevel Degenerative Changes. I couldn't believe it. No one had mentioned it. They were keeping it from me. My God, it's degenerative! And multilevel. Not just one of my levels, but two or maybe more. Hell, it could be all of them. Still, it was mild. Had we caught it in time? Or will it progress from mild to severe to excessive to what — DEAD!?! Why weren't they telling me?

It was a shock. I'd never even heard of it. Still, in a weird way, I was almost proud to have such a novel affliction. MMDC, as the TV ads must put it. Maybe I could appear on the telethon. Or in one of the ads. "Ask your doctor if Muchobux is right for your MMDC." I hope there's a catchy jingle.

Of course, Mild Multilevel Degenerative Changes could refer to anything. My neck, my brain. My sexual proclivities. Just then, a man in scrubs walked in. "What's MMDC?" I yelled from across the room. He had a what-do-I-do-about-this-crazy-person look on his face. I called again, "What are Mild Multilevel Degenerate Changes?"

Turns out "mild, multilevel degenerative changes" is pretty much how you say "aging" if you've been to med school and you're talking about someone's spine. So there's wear and tear on my old spine. No surprise there. There's wear and tear on my old everything.

Still, it's a great all-purpose phrase. Ask me about anything: politics, the economy. medicine (of course) or say, the efficacy of Kabuki theater in transforming the worldview of Latvian pickle farmers. Simple, "Well, Wolf, I am concerned about mild multilevel degenerative changes?" I might not be ready to practice medicine, but I'm ready for CNN.

Check out Barry Maher's dark humor supernatural thriller, "The Great Dick: And the Dysfunctional Demon". Contact him or sign up for his newsletter at www.barrymaher.com.